Star (cross’d lover) Wars

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the result of a nonsensical conversation with Mr Pete Moles that took place a long time ago (in a galax… ugh, no). Things got silly and then, a few days later, Pete made this. Several weeks after that, I posted it.

Enjoy!

Pulp Shakespeare

For those of you who haven’t seen this already, here you go.
Cleverer than I was expecting, i’faith.

We’re going to need matches, a lot of twine, some tar, and check next door for discarded bear limbs, will you? I dunno, whichever’s more flammable…

Bear in the Big Blue Playhouse

So. It’s the 1590s. Elizabeth is on the throne and I want to put on a play. Banned from performing in the City of London itself, I’m forced to produce it on the seedy south bank of the Thames, surrounded by bear-pits, prostitutes, and the actual Clink. Nevertheless, the show must go on, legs must be broken, there’s no business like show business, and it’s at least another ten years before we have to worry about saying ‘Macbeth’ with our customary reckless abandon – let’s get to it.

Hmm, what’s that? Ah, that Stratford chap’s got a new one? Excellent, let’s do that then. Oh, it’s another Henry play, eh? Well, people will go to anything that gets them in from the filth for a few hours. Call it Richard, Duke of York, or something – punters won’t realise what they’re letting themselves in for. No, don’t use that! Think of something better.

Anything strange or startling? A bit with a dog would be nice; went down very well in that Verona play last year. No? Well, never mind. Wouldn’t do to have the mutt humping Margaret of Valois’ leg while she’s petitioning the king of France, I suppose. Alright, well this seems fine. A few battles, some political intrigue, a bit of saucy banter with the commoner wife – very nice. Christ though, must they all be called either Richard or Edward? And we’ll need some different coloured hats or something so the poor buggers can tell who’s on which side. I hope you’re writing this down.

Right so, looks like we have ourselves a show, gentlemen. Now, casting – see if Burbage and Alleyn are about and…

What’s that? Yes, the second act, what about it? The battle scene with the York boys? Some special effects required? Oh, that’ll be no problem. We pulled off that gimmick with the heads on pikes kissing in the last one, didn’t we, so what’s he thrown at us this time?

EDWARD: Dazzle mine eyes, or do I see three suns?

Three blazing suns that appear spontaneously in the air, descend from the sky, float around the stage, then merge into one glorious prophetic beaming gaseous fireball?

Ah.

…

How combustible do you reckon Will Kemp is?

Action Bard. The Greatest Playwright of Them All.

Just a quickie to say that yesterday I became the proud owner of this delightful collectible. I’d like to say that I’ve kept it box-pristine, but I wanna play with this bad boy. And perhaps buy a G.I. Joe Mobile Command Centre and put Shakey in charge. It’s gonna be a fun few weeks.

Regular service will resume shortly – anon, even.

Next in this series of children's entertainment / Shakespeare mash-ups: William Shakespeare Junior.